Letters of Condolence

I first sent a letter of condolence when I was 15. I used blue paper although the colour of the paper you are writing on doesn't matter. When my father died, people sent flowers and donated money to cover funeral expenses (a Chinese custom). But I didn't get any letters of condolence. Nowadays you get e-mails. But I did get a couple of nice condolence cards. Thank you.

Even a year later, a few kind words are appreciated. The grief is lessened by the sympathy of friends and family. The photos of the room full of flowers helps one to remember how a hundred or so people banded together to give us comfort and courage to face the future without my father.

If a friend or relative suffers from a bereavement, it's a good idea to write a letter of condolence or sympathy. It should be short and warm. Do not discuss the illness or death. Do not quote from the Bible or write poetry. And do not remind the grieving family of memories which might cause pain or unhappiness. It's better not to write at all than to write tactlessly. A condolence letter should be tactful, sincere and short. Write as soon as you find out someone has died. Here are some examples :

Death of a Parent

90 Greenwich Road

London, UK SW9 4NT

6 December 2009

Dear Erin,

It was a great shock to hear of your father's death. His loss will be felt by many, for a long time to come.

Please accept my sympathy and best wishes.

Yours sincerely,

Victor

Death of a Husband or Wife

It is alright being emotional in the letter.

90 Greenwich Road

London, UK SW9 4NT

6 December 2009

Dear Erin,

I am shocked by the sad news. Please call me if you need any help.

I know the terrible pain you must be feeling now. But time is a great healer and it will soon soften the pain. Try to be brave.

Please accept my deepest sympathy.

Yours sincerely,

Victor

Death of a Child

Do not try to find out how the child died. A letter to grief-stricken parents should be very short.

90 Greenwich Road

London, UK SW9 4NT

6 December 2009

Dear Mr and Mrs Kalen,

I have just learned with deepest sorrow of the death of your child.

Our hearts are filled with sympathy for you both. We hope that time will ease the pain.

Yours sincerely,

Victor and Erin

Death of a Relative

When people are grieving, they like to think about the best things about the deceased and the happy memories. You can use praise in your letter.

90 Greenwich Road

London, UK SW9 4NT

6 December 2009

Dear Erin,

I have just learned of the death of your brother. I can't tell you how shocked I am by this sad news. It must be a great loss to you. He was a genius and he will not be forgotten by many who admired and respected him for a long time to come.

Please convey my sympathy to his family.

Yours sincerely,

Victor

Death after a Long and Terrible Illness

If the person who died actually needed euthanasia, the sympathy should be for the long suffering rather than the death.

90 Greenwich Road

London, UK SW9 4NT

6 December 2009

Dear Erin,

My heart is filled with sorrow and sympathy for you - for your sister's years of suffering. Now she is gone but it is good that her suffering is over. Try to find comfort in that and try not to look back. Look to the future. Time heals all wounds.

Yours sincerely,

Victor

Death Caused Intentionally or Due to Suicide

When death is caused by murder or suicide, only relatives and close friends should write.

90 Greenwich Road

London, UK SW9 4NT

6 December 2009

Dear Erin,

I am truly shocked by the terrible news and hope that time will heal the pain caused by this tragedy. Please call me if I can help in any way.

With deepest sympathy,

Lots of love,

Victor